MERRY XMAS FROM THE SMANK FAMILY —Bunty, Brock, Brittni, Brocky and Bibi
Happy Holidays to our loved ones! Bless you all, Mazel Tov and Namaste (we are fully inclusive of the faiths of all our loved ones, and special greeting to Philip, our mailman—‘Sup, Homie!) Our family goal for 2020 is: Compassion. In such turbulent times, we urge all of you to consider making this your goal, as well.
While we remain grateful for all the Universe has given us, we did have a few teeny bumps in the road this year. We had to fire our cleaning lady, Juanita, because she was just spending too much time crying on the phone to relatives trapped in detention centers on the border; it was becoming unprofessional. Bunty decided it was best to let Juanita go deal with her personal issues full time. On that note, we are so proud of little Bibi (9) , whose class at school is selling despair-colored bracelets to raise awareness of the plight of immigrants. The bracelets are $1 at school, but our little entrepreneur is charging $5 apiece, plus shipping, and all funds will go toward Bibi’s continued efforts to raise awareness. Because, compassion.
Brocky (12) had a bit of a kerfuffle on the Elite League lacrosse team this year. Brocky’s coaches chose to keep Brocky on the bench for most of the season, citing “safety concerns,” as Brocky’s time on the field seemed, oddly, to coincide with injuries on both teams. We were, however, very concerned about Brocky’s self esteem, and asked Brock Sr.’s fraternity brother, Chuck, a criminal psychiatrist at the Southeastern Alabama Correctional Facility, to write a letter explaining that Brocky needed more playing time at the risk of damaging his fragile adolescent psyche. Brocky’s coach ended up quitting; what a blessing Brock Sr. was there to pick up the slack! The Universe gives you what you need.
We’re currently suing Brittni’s last school, Tower Oaks, for emotional damages, after Brittni’s third report card of straight F’s, including a long paragraph from the headmaster alleging Brittni “used abusive language to faculty and staff, was vicious to other students, stole, was caught vaping, and engaged in lascivious contact with a custodian.” (Other girls have always been jealous of Brittni, and the custodian in question served our nation in Vietnam.) As we explain in our lawsuit, Tower Oaks failed to meet Brittni’s needs or adequately understand her learning style, her temperament, her need for safe spaces, her sex addiction, her nicotine treatment program, her anger issues, or her undiagnosed Tourette’s syndrome. Brittni (16) will be transferring to Precious Snowflake Academy, her sixth high school in three years—we are continually disappointed by the lack of commitment, dedication and skill among today’s educators. We are hopeful that Precious Snowflake will be able to provide what Brittni needs.
Sadly, our purebred Bhutanese Blue Longhair cat, Binky, has gone to the Spirit World. After Binky developed a urination problem linked to anxiety from being declawed and shaved weekly, we decided it was a wonderful opportunity to teach the children about survival of the fittest. Brock smeared Binky with bacon grease and left tied him to a tree in the woods at night, resulting in Binky’s completely natural death by predator. Brocky retrieved Binky’s collar—it’s now green and red!—to hang on our solstice tree as a reminder of the beautiful efficiency of nature.
Bunty still suffers from Acute Systematic Holistic Elasticism (A.S.Hol. E.) Syndrome, which she bears bravely. So rare and little understood is this syndrome that even physicians are woefully uninformed about it, so Bunty relies completely on her Facebook group for fellow sufferers, which is a lifeline. Bunty continues to lead her Spin class at the Country Club, runs four miles daily with our Pitty-Poos, Bo and Babs, and meets daily with her personal yogi, Sukie, but her health condition renders her completely unable to work, do household chores, buy groceries, take part in the school auction, drive carpools, chaperone field trips, sell raffle tickets for the lacrosse team, host book group, contribute to the neighborhood cleanup, or give rides to our housebound neighbor, Mrs. Shenkenpepper. Bunty is also now being treated for PTSD after being vindictively cast out of the Country Club Heights Episcopal Church following a wee bit confusion over use of funds from the Homeless Teen fund drive.
Our family, ever mindful of the needs of our planet, is on a cultivated artisanal locavore sustainably nurtured free-range veal based diet, which is shipped in four times weekly from Amazon in a compostable box made of repurposed llama droppings and seaweed. We care deeply about our planet’s future, and avoid shopping at local stores, as they tend to use a lot of plastic. We highly recommend you do the same.
This year was an exciting year for house projects: we finally completed our addition for the kids’ Virtual Game room annex, eliminating the rest of our pesky back yard! Our neighbors in the back— as Brock says, it’s just bad luck that we landed in a neighborhood of really narrow-minded people, again—are always at us with the zoning regulations, blah blah blah—sometimes it seems like we don’t live in a free country! We finally got all the trees cut down—that busybody Mrs. Shenkenpepper reported us to the city for cutting down what was, apparently, the 300 year old Shady Oak after which our neighborhood, Shady Oak Grove, was named (who knew!). As Brock says, if a person can’t cut down a big ugly tree to save on his lawnmower blades, we might as well be living in Cuba. We also completed our third floor addition, bringing—you guessed it!—another lawsuit from the people behind us, the McGregors, who claim we’ve blocked all the sun from their vegetable patch, and since they’re trying to live off the land, we’ve “interfered with their livelihood.” But we’re not counter-suing for harassment at this time because: compassion.
Brock changed jobs this year after being a victim of corporate bullying, including sexual harassment (#Brock Too) and reverse racism. It’s hard to be the only Woke person in your office; here’s hoping his next job appreciates his special talents and experience. Brock will be identifying as an African-American woman during job interviews. He is looking for C-suite management opportunities if anyone has any leads.
We hope you and all of yours have a year as blessed and full of love, light, joy, community, and, above all….Compassion. Be well. Bunty, Brock, Brittni, Brocky, Bibi, Bo and Babs Smank, with a spirit world salute from Binky.